Editing Jared Has Aides (section) Warning: You are not logged in. Your IP address will be publicly visible if you make any edits. If you log in or create an account, your edits will be attributed to your username, along with other benefits.Anti-spam check. Do not fill this in!==Story== ===Description=== [[Jared Fogle]] gives a speech at South Park, touting how easy it is to lose weight by simply eating a diet of Subway sandwiches. [[Cartman]], [[Kyle]], [[Stan]] and [[Butters]] visit Jared, and are dismayed when Jared reveals that his weight loss is not only the result of eating sandwiches, but also with the help from his aides (a personal trainer and a dietician). Kyle convinces Jared that he is being dishonest by never referring to his assistants, and Jared realizes the boys are correct, and plans to give another speech to discuss them. At Jared's next announcement, he raves about his aides. The townspeople misconstrue the statement, thinking that he is infected with AIDS, and become repulsed by him. After being fired by Subway, Jared begins to wish he never hired aides. His assistants convince him that people are upset because they cannot hire their own assistants, inspiring Jared to start the "Aides for Everyone" (misinterpreted as "AIDS for Everyone") foundation. The townspeople are angered further, and chase him through town. Jared laments that everyone hates him for saying he has AIDS while he beats a dead horse with a baseball bat. When Jared is caught, the mob prepares to lynch him; however, Stan and the boys intervene, and clarify that Jared was not referring to AIDS, but his assistants. The townspeople apologize, and begin laughing at their mistake. Everyone declares AIDS is finally humorous, and begin celebrating as a banner, with "AIDS is Finally Funny" inscribed on it, is unveiled. In a subplot, Cartman devises a scheme to earn money after discovering that Jared did not have to eat sandwiches to lose weight. He proposes that Butters gain lots of weight and then become fit by other means, while pretending that he lost weight by eating at City Wok. After striking a deal with the manager of the restaurant to film several commercials, Butters manages to gain the weight, but finds himself unable to lose it, and the boys resort to liposuction. As they perform the operation, Butters' parents return home, and ground him for performing surgery in the house. When it is time to film the commercials, Butters states he is grounded and will not leave; however, the boys manage to convince him to come as Cartman stays behind at Butters' house to cover for him. Butters' parents call the house, with Cartman replying to them each time with crude language. Meanwhile, when Stan discovers City Wok's owner will only pay them 15 dollars, he severs the deal, and Butters returns home. Just before Butters' parents arrive, Cartman brings over a lawn chair, a drink, and a bucket of popcorn, then sits outside and watches as Butters' parents ruthlessly beat him for the language that Cartman, pretending to be Butters, used on the phone. ===What I Learned Today=== "It would have been wrong to exploit Butters' weight loss. Because then lots of fat people would have believed it and then gone and eaten a ton of Chinese food instead of dieting properly. They'd still be fat and we'd be responsible for their shattered dreams." ===Memorable Quotes=== * "It's only in America that somebody can become famous just because they go from being a big fat ass to not being a big fat ass." [[Stan]] * "I can't lose weight, Butters, 'cause I'm not fat. I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!" [[Cartman]] * "Dammit Butters! Keep eating or I'll kick you 'til you're deader than Kenny!" [[Cartman]] * "How many times have we told you not to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?" [[Linda Stotch]] * "You guys I think I'm having a genius moment." [[Cartman]] * "You wouldn't be a penis butt, Butters. You'd be FAMOUS." [[Stan]] * "If you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him." [[Chef]] * "You guys have already gotten me in Dutch for getting fat, then I got in double Dutch for having liposuction, and you're asking me to be in TRIPLE Dutch?! Huh-uh, I'll never be that Dutch." [[Butters]] * "22 point three years. That's how long it takes for something tragic to become funny." [[ Kyle]] * "DON'T YOU HI MOM AND DAD US YOU LITTLE PUNK!!!! " [[Stephen Stotch]] Summary: Please note that all contributions to South Park Wiki may be edited, altered, or removed by other contributors. If you do not want your writing to be edited mercilessly, then do not submit it here. You are also promising us that you wrote this yourself, or copied it from a public domain or similar free resource (see South Park Wiki:Copyrights for details). Do not submit copyrighted work without permission! Cancel Editing help (opens in new window)